4 Signs You’re Ready To Start Dating Again After A Breakup

20 Oct

If you’re looking for signs as to whether you’re ready to start dating again after your breakup, you’re in the right place.

After a breakup, the fear of never finding anyone else can be really overwhelming and so you might be eager to jump on hinge immediately, or you might be hooked on your ex still and lost all hope in ever feeling ready.

In the early stages of a breakup, quite confusing, because you are grieving one person, and worrying you might not meet another.

So, how do you figure out if you’re ready to start dating again after a breakup?

(There is so much to talk about when it comes to dating, so this is likely to be part 1 of many. If you’re interested in this subject, do DM or email me as I love to know what’s going on for you to make it relevant.)

You are the expert in yourself, and you get to decide when you feel ready to date again, and make your own choices. You might be thinking, ‘I have no idea if I’m ready, that’s why I’m reading this’.

So I hope to give you lots to think about today. Everything I share here is directly linked to conversations I’ve had with clients over the last 5 years, and my own personal experience (and mistakes) of heartbreak, and dating.

Before we go in to the signs, I want to encourage you to start right now, no matter where you are in your process, to get really practised at listening to and being honest with yourself, and making choices that you genuinely feel are good for you. In every area of your life, not just dating. This is helpful in moving on from a breakup too. I have a whole chapter on this in the Successful Breakup Guide.

Being honest with yourself means giving yourself some space to question what you really want and need in any given situation and what you think is really good for you based on how you feel, and being genuinely honest with yourself about it. And then honouring it with your decision.

A simple day to day, life example is that you might be emotionally exhausted from the breakup and have been asked if you want to go out, or if you can work some extra hours, or if you can squeeze a favour in for someone.

Maybe you think that the extra work would burn you out, or maybe you think it would actually help because the money would give you a boost and it would be a nice distraction. You get to listen to what you need and make your choice accordingly.

When you start doing this every day, it helps you build trust in yourself, helps you stay grounded and an overall healthier relationship with yourself, Which is amazing for dating too.

Start having some check in time with yourself every day, and get rooted in who you are, what you want, and what is good for you. Then when it comes to dating, you’ll have more chance of making better choices for yourself, which in my experience leads to more fulfilment and happiness.

You might have never done this before, it’s ok, start where you are, commit to yourself either way - it’s a practice!

So what are the four signs you’re ready to start dating again?

1. You’re clear on your intentions

Get clear on what your intentions are when it comes to dating

Ask yourself: What is it you’re wanting from dating? Are you hoping for a long term relationship? Are you hoping to meet your life partner? Are you hoping to meet someone who wants to start a family? Or are you hoping to have some fun, go for food, drink and have a casual thing?

I heard a quote from a Brian Tracey audio book the other day and it was (a totally unrelated overall subject but I found it useful in general for goals and desires) ‘you can’t hit a target you can’t even see’.

And I think this is such a handy reminder that it is useful to be clear on what you want, and that then informs your day to day decisions and how you go about things. Especially helpful in dating if you want to avoid getting hurt/hurting others and feeling, having your needs met, and having the thing you desire.

Being clear on your intentions isn’t just helpful for you, but it is respectful to the other person/people you decide to date, because then you can be transparent and prevent unnecessary hurt from both sides. If you’re wanting something casual then at least you can be clear on that from the beginning.

Your desires are unique to you, you’re allowed to like what you like, want what you want, but the other person/people need to be in the loop about that too. As relationships aren’t just about you, they’re about a mutual agreement on what is going on for both of you.

Sometimes a breakup can make you confused about your life and what you’re looking for, there’s no harm in taking some time to really reflect on what you’ve experienced in the past, and what you’d like to do going forward. It really helps you to connect to the right people in dating.

2. You feel at peace with the breakup with your ex

It’s helpful to feel at peace with the breakup before you start dating

You get to define what ‘at peace’ means to you, and whether you’re genuinely there. For me it meant, fully accepting of the situation, not missing my ex in a devastated and hopeful way like I did at the beginning, and feeling like I’d made progress in moving on and rebuilding my life without him. I wasn’t thinking about him/the relationship or breakup in a way that stirred up any distressing emotions for me any more.

I wasn’t looking back, missing him or hoping to hear from him again, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t feeling hurt, I was aware of my mistakes and how I’d go about doing differently next time, and I was clear on what I enjoyed and didn’t enjoy about the relationship that was going to be helpful in the type of person I connected with next (values/character/interests etc).

I really encourage you to reflect on the breakup, and what led to it (with the help of a therapist if appropriate) as this can really help you to understand why things played out the way they did, and this is SO useful in dating.

There is a lot of learning and wisdom that you can find in a breakup if you pay enough attention. If your goal is to make the next relationship the one that lasts, it is going to need to be different from the one that didn’t last with your ex.

Getting clarity on these things can bring you peace because it no longer feels like the pain was just worth nothing. It can help you feel empowered and like you have a new direction, especially when the breakup made you feel powerless.

Note - you don’t have to never think about your ex again, or have the whole situation totally out of your mind to be at peace with it. Notice whether you’re uncomfortable about it VS it just popping in to your head every now and again and it being a fleeting thought or a realisation or reflection. It’s normal to think about your ex, they were a part of your life.

The Successful Breakup Guide could be up your street if you’re finding it hard to make peace with the breakup and feel like time is passing and nothing is changing. Check it out here.

3. You’re dating to meet someone vs to get over someone when you’re still in pain

Date to date, not to distract or hope it takes the pain away

Some people do choose to start dating even when the breakup is still raw, as a way of distraction and to help them stop thinking about their ex.

Again you get to make your own decisions, and I am not in any way judging anybody for this approach but this is not something I advise. I’ve been here myself, on both angles, and I’m sharing from my experience (and mistakes) as well as discussing these situations with people for the last 5 years.

For me the experience of dating is about getting to know someone, and deciding whether you both let one another in to your lives in whatever way you choose, and when the intention is purely distraction, a few things to think about:

It can get messy (I have personal experience of it getting messy and very painful). A breakup is a huge life changing event and distractions in dating can feel useful at the time but when feelings get involved and there’s unresolved unprocessed feelings about the ex, it can interfere and cause hurt on both sides.

A distraction can take away from getting to know the person and seeing if you’re a good fit, it could lead to you missing red flags due to just wanting the person there regardless of whether they’re showing you something to be concerned about, or a misalignment.
Consider how it would feel for you, to be a distraction when the person you were excited to see and get to know, was dealing with unresolved hurt and pain around their ex, or missing their ex and purely hoping you’d take their mind off it. Would you think they were really there to get to know you?
There’s always a risk of the ex coming back on the scene when things are raw, and this can end up in a lot of hurt on either side.

A healthy relationship is built on trust, communication and respect and when there’s another underlying motive (such as hoping someone fills the void of your ex who you still miss dearly), is this something that sounds healthy to you?

Are you being honest with yourself and the person? Is still being in love with your ex a foundation of trust and respect for this new situation?

4. You are willing to protect your peace and happiness

Rebuild a life that fulfils you so you’re good either way, and protect your peace and happiness

This one was a huge change in my approach when I started dating last year. I had rebuilt my life after my breakup to a point where I was in a good place regardless of a relationship.

Doing this meant I was less attached to any outcome through dating, more able to just enjoy it, pickier with who to give my energy and time to, and more grounded in the way I went about dating. Because if it didn’t work, it was OK and I knew I would be ok.

Where I’d previously settled in a few situations that weren’t aligned with me, that had taken my energy away and disrupted my peace (and on occasions what felt like drained my soul), I wasn’t willing to do that again.

I knew I wanted a healthy relationship and so I was going to have to make different choices. Get better at hard conversations, get better at picking a different type of person, and get better at walking away if something wasn’t right.

I do really recommend looking at the bigger picture of your life and how you are rebuilding it after your breakup, and then protecting your energy in dating.

I’m not suggesting you’re guarded and give people a hard time, or expect that a healthy relationship doesn’t take any effort or have any conflict ever (they still take work and effort), but stay rooted in what you know is fundamentally good for you, and keep your peace and happiness at the top of your list always. You deserve the best, you deserve to be happy.

If you’re really not sure, or think you are but are nervous, you can give yourself permission to try, and to change your mind if it feels too soon. Also, in my experience even if you’re over your ex, it’s likely you’ll compare people to them when you first start dating.

It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, they’re just your last person and so it’s natural, but consider whether it feels too much and is signalling to you that you’re not over them just yet, sometimes a date too early can help you to realise that, this is what happened to me. I’ll make another post about this!

Everything I did before I started dating is in the Successful Breakup Guide (includes solo dating ideas).

In summary:

you get to decide what’s right for you, but it helps to know what you want, build a life that makes you feel good either way (and which you will protect). It also helps to be at peace with your previous breakup and be going in to dating with the intention of getting to know someone new vs hoping someone will take the pain away.

Let me know if this helps. And if you want to hear first about when I release these articles, sign up to my newsletter and you’ll not only get the link, but you’ll get other tips and BTS in the email too. Link here! Unsubscribe any time.

Hol xx

Hol | Breakups and Love