Accepting A Breakup That You Didn’t Want
Accepting a breakup that you didn’t want
You often hear about the stages of grief (Elizabeth Kubler Ross) when it comes to getting over a breakup: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. These stages can be useful and validating, but it’s important to remember that the process isn’t linear. Getting to a place of acceptance after a breakup you didn’t want isn’t a simple step-by-step journey. Just as every relationship is unique, so is every breakup.
Today, I’m sharing something I wrote in my journal during a difficult breakup, what I learned from the experience about accepting a breakup you didn’t want, and how I eventually led myself to moving on. My hope is that it offers some comfort and guidance if you’re struggling to let go of your ex and what you had together.
When you are too scared to let go
I recently found one of my old journals from at the time of a big breakup, and I don’t make a habit of reading them back, but for some reason I opened this one up and I found it so interesting because I was writing the exact things people share with me about their own breakup struggles.
It had been a few months, and I was clearly still deeply sad and scared. One sentence in what I wrote was “If I let him go, then I have to accept it’s really over. I’m scared if I let him go, he’s really gone”. It was like I had accepted logically and intellectually that I had to accept the relationship was over and move on, but emotionally I just wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to actually do it and found it so confronting. Despite me having no choice or say in the matter as he had already left, there was a piece of me that couldn’t give myself permission to let go because then it was really final, even though it already was in reality.
“If I let him go, then I have to accept it’s really over. I’m scared if I let him go, he’s really gone”
I was already exhausted, and idea of finding the energy to rebuild my life from here felt overwhelming. In some ways, staying in that limbo of “not letting go yet” felt easier than facing the unknown. I had one foot in acceptance and the other foot in ‘the idea of acceptance being too scary’. Clinging on because the unknown was terrifying, clinging on because I was worried about what letting go would mean about me. Fear can keep you clinging on. What you’re making the breakup mean about you can make you cling on too.
Letting go after a breakup you didn’t want is incredibly difficult because it’s not just about losing the person -it’s about losing the future you envisioned with them. You grieve the lovely memories, the routines, the inside jokes, the smile you got when you saw their name on your phone, and the excitement of seeing them. Even if deep down you know the ending of this relationship is for the best, your ex represented certainty in your life: dreaming together, building a life, creating more memories. When they choose to leave, you’re not only saying goodbye to them but also to the life you thought you’d have. Them leaving the relationship has created uncertainty, and uncertainty is actually really scary.
Having to start again
Something I realise now, years later, is that I knew the breakup was for the best but the fear of being on my own kept me clinging on for longer. The fear of being in my almost mid 30s and having to start again, the fear of never meeting someone new, the fear of getting it wrong again. Fundamentally I wanted the relationship to work, of course I did, but there is a part of me now that wonders how much of me believed it could work, and how much of me was just too scared to let go and start again.
When you ex decided to break up with you, and you hoped you could figure things out - it is really distressing and hard to come to terms with. Rejection feels really destabilising and knocks your confidence. It’s a huge amount of stuff you’re having to deal with so my first piece of advice is to acknowledge that this is hard and it’s not strange that you’d be finding this hard. If I had to choose one word to describe how I felt, it would be ‘powerless’. My mind was totally all over the place and this reflected in what I was writing in my journal.
When you’re scared to start again
‘F**k is this happening? It can’t be surely? It is though, it’s literally happening right now and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to accept it, but if I accept it then it means it’s actually really happening though. And what do I do next? What happens next? I’m too scared to accept it because then he’s gone and I have to start again.’
A few pages later and I was writing about feeling optimistic, how I knew that this was a good thing, and I felt excited about what I could do with my life now and how it would look, and then a few pages later I was writing about how devastated I was and in denial again about it happening. This loop continued for some time and my own journey is proof that the stages of grief aren’t linear. One moment I felt okay, and the next, it was as if I were back at square one.
The time between the difficult moments grows longer
Over time, the gaps between the difficult moments grew longer and longer, until the feeling of being “okay” finally stuck. Looking back, I see that healing was happening, even when it felt like it wasn’t. What helped me to finally move on and to feel comfortable with acceptance rather than totally overwhelmed by it, was to keep going, keep moving, keep picking myself up in the set backs, keep dreaming a new future for myself and taking the actions towards it, even on (and especially on) the days I felt like I was being delusional that I could ever be happy without him.
This meant continuing to plan things for myself, even when my stomach ached and I longed for my ex. It meant being really honest with myself about the reasons we didn’t work. It meant learning from the experience and taking accountability for where I think I went wrong, and what I can do better next time. It meant getting him off a pedestal and reminding myself of the things I struggled with in the relationship, to help me get perspective and understand it.
Give yourself permission to be human and feel things
Another thing that helped me was to give myself permission to feel things and let myself be human and remind myself that it will take some time and care. I learned to let it be ok when I had a bad day where I missed him or felt angry and upset again; to hibernate when I needed it, to sleep more, to call my mum or talk to my friends, to put my trainers on and go outside in the fresh air to clear my mind when it felt fuzzy.
Deciding to have a break from romance really helped me too, because I hadn’t done that before and I wanted to make sure that I had really processed everything. I wanted the next time I connected with someone to have nothing to do with feeling sad about someone else (whether consciously or unconsciously). The space to focus on what I needed, rediscovering the things I liked, and what I wanted my life to look like next, really helped. I felt so lost after the breakup, I needed the time to reconnect to myself again.
Trust in your ability to let go and find happiness
Ultimately, when someone has chosen to remove themselves from your life, the only thing you can do is let them, look after yourself through the pain, and re learn how to live without them. In a situation where you feel totally powerless, remember that you can find your power again through listening to yourself and what you need every day, and making loving choices for yourself that help you feel better - whatever that means to you. Somebody choosing to walk away doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of happiness, and you don’t have to live in the shadow of their choice or compare yourself to their onward journey.
You can come back stronger, and regardless of what they are doing (in fact I recommend tuning out totally to what they are doing if it is not helping you), you get to build your life back up, experience pleasure and happiness without them, and create a beautiful new season. You don’t have to rush it, pressure yourself of give yourself a hard time when you are struggling.
You get to create a beautiful new season for yourself
I am very aware now that even after accepting something is over, there can still be fear; both can and do exist. You can be OK with them going, but still miss them. You can be angry at them for the way they left things, but fond of the memories you made together. You can know the situation is going to be good for you, but be terrified of it at the same time. You can feel excited about your life one day, then in a heap on the floor the next having no recollection of the progress and no hope for ever feeling better.
But in time, it does get easier. The setbacks and bad days don’t mean you aren’t moving on. The deep emotions don’t make you a failure. The fears can feel so real when your life ahead of you is actually about to get so much better. Trust that things get to get better.
I hope this helps to give you reassurance and perspective following your breakup x
