How long does it take to get over a breakup?
If you’re feeling heartbroken right now and are wondering how long it takes to get over a breakup, my goal in this post will give you some clarity and steps forward.
It is unfortunately quite impossible to give an exact science and timeframe of moving on, because every single person, breakup circumstance and relationship is totally different, and the time it takes will be unique to you.
That being said, if you are intentional with how you spend your time, I believe that you can start to feel a lot better 3-6 months from now. And in this post, I’m going to explain how to make this possible.
Is time a healer in a breakup?
Is time a healer when it comes to a breakup?
Time is of course a healer in a breakup, but it’s what you’re doing with your time that really counts.
Even if it’s already been more than 3-6 months, or a year, or multiple years, please don’t give yourself a hard time - there is nothing wrong with you. Each person is different; everyone handles heartbreak (and life in general) in their own way. Emphasis on the 3-6 months ‘from now’.
I’ve been where you are I promise; in the thick of heartbreak, not knowing when it’s going to end. Totally stuck, lost, panicked, immobilised and basically just feeling like I was living at the mercy of my ex, his decision, his life, how happy he was going to be. I’ve lay in bed for days, worrying that this is it now for me, it’s too late, it’s hopeless, another relationship won’t be possible. I’ve doubted myself and my ability to ever smile again or feel happy in my life.
So many people message me and state ‘its been 3 months, 1 year, 2 years/ X amount of time, and I don’t feel better’. Even though this is a post about how long it takes, the truth is it just takes you what it takes you. I’m writing this to help you get perspective and consider whether there’s anything you can do different to help you move on quicker than you are. I can’t do it for you, but I can gladly share exactly what I did to feel at peace with my breakup after 6 months.
If you want to feel better quicker, first let go of expectation, all the judgement and pressure you’re putting on yourself because it’s been X amount of months/years, and literally just begin where you are now.
Check in with how you’re spending your time and do an audit, so that you can make some little tweaks. How you’re talking to yourself, and the actions you’re taking in the day to day; these really matter. This is an important chapter where you need to be paying attention.
If a lot of your time is spent with critical self-talk, denying your feelings, or being nasty to yourself because you feel sad/rushing yourself to not feel sad any more, unfortunately you’re only going to slow yourself down.
The way to get there quicker is to lean into what’s going on, work through the emotions and what they’re saying to you vs resisting them, and be gentle with yourself because it’s a journey and a half.
If a lot of your time is spent doom scrolling, nosying at your exes social media, reading old messages, waiting for a text from them, and making your whole existence about them and their journey rather than you and yours, this is worth paying attention to. It’s OK to ruminate, but it needs to be balanced out with action that revolves around you.
It’s uncomfortable feeling uncomfortable; breakups are honestly just shit. And nobody wants to feel shit. We want certainty and we want to know when we won’t feel terrible any more, and what is going to happen after that.
There is so much that can play into how much a breakup throws you off, and therefore add to how long it takes to move on. Things like:
How it ended - was it blindsiding/mutual or respectful, considerate etc
The circumstances - i.e. you live together or share a pet
How embedded you are into one another's family/friends
The problems that led to the breakup - getting your head around them
If you have to see each other - kids/work/gym etc
The way you handle stress and change
Your core beliefs about yourself and how secure you are
How much you wanted it to work if they didn’t
Your confidence levels, whether this has been wiped etc
The relationship itself, memories, challenges etc
All of these things can cause you to ruminate constantly, be living in your head and playing things over, miss your ex, believe that you’ll only be happy if your ex comes back etc. Leaving you feeling stuck.
These are all normal, and the worries, fears and anxieties do start to fade eventually. Heartbreak feels intense at first, but it does start to settle so be reassured by that. The good news is, is that even when you feel stuck, there is so much you can do to help yourself. Even if it takes a year, it doesn’t matter. Even if you need extra help, or therapy, or whatever you need, it’s ok.
How can you move on if you feel stuck?
How can you move on if you feel stuck?
So how do you actually start moving on? I mentioned above that I believe it is possible to start feeling better after 3-6 months. You can literally take matters in to your own hands if you’ve been feeling powerless and stuck.
That’s not to say that if it’s already been 6 months+ since your breakup, there’s anything wrong. You might just need a slight different approach to how you’ve been doing things.
Everything I did to feel better within months - i.e be able to think about my ex without crying, to feel at peace with the situation and hopeful for the future - I have put in to a simple to follow breakup toolkit.
The toolkit is broken down in to four core principles - that you can apply to yourself and your situation - and start actually feeling in control of your life. A summary is below.
1. Start with self compassion
You are where you are, it hurts because it hurts, it doesn’t mean it’ll always be this way. Start with acknowledging and normalising how you’re feeling, and being nice to yourself.
Once you get perspective on why you’re feeling the way you do, it’ll help you to feel less overwhelmed or abnormal.
2. Loving choices
A breakup feels like a huge mountain to climb, and you can be convinced that the solutions are huge or impossible. When really it’s the baby steps; the little loving choices you make for yourself.
From the way you care for yourself in an emotionally charged moment that feels hard to contend with, to how you care for yourself day to day.
When you get and stay connected to yourself, what you need and what helps you, you can do more of it, day by day. And over time, you’ll notice that the small things added together made the biggest difference.
Choosing well for yourself and going back to your own strategies, means feeling more in control of your life, and this builds confidence and self reliance/trust.
3 . Make sense of it all
When you’re in a more grounded space, having stayed connected to you, and your journey onwards, you can start to reflect on what just happened. In the breakup and the relationship, maybe even before that.
Take all the wisdom from the experience and turn it into helpful lessons and directions around where you’re going next.
4. Rebuilding your life
You don’t have to change every essence of your being after a breakup (unless there are changes you want to make!), but you can start to rediscover yourself, what you like, don’t like, and how you want the next chapter to go.
Learn to enjoy time solo dating and create a life that eventually you are excited to share with someone.
The more time you invest in yourself in these intentional ways, the less likely you are to seek a new relationship as a way to fill a void and make you happy.
The more fulfilled you are in your own life, the more you’ll notice when someone new is disrupting your peace or adding to how good you feel.
You can get started today
Imagine 3 months from now, waking up feeling excited about your day and your ex barely coming in to your head.
This can literally be enjoying your life and feeling at peace with this situation. Even if right now it feels like a lost cause.
The four principles I outlined above, can be easily worked through so you can get to a place of feeling happy. Yes it takes consistency, effort and giving yourself an extra push when you don’t really feel like it, but it’s worth it.
You can start figuring this out and moving on today with The Breakup Toolkit; it has worksheets and 14 video tutorials (from me) to explain and accompany them.
Take the toolkit as a helpful resource full of ways that you can be intentional with your time.
Not because you’re broken, or need fixing, or need to become a project, but because you have a breakup to process and an exciting future ahead of you.
And if you’re stuck, and wondering when you will feel unstuck, there are ways you can take matters into your own hands and speed up the time it’s taking.
