The Decision To Move On After A Breakup; Balancing Determination With Patience
Making a decision to move on from a breakup sounds like an obvious choice, but it’s actually not an easy one; especially when you have been rejected and didn’t want the relationship to end. We can often feel powerless in the emotional rollercoaster, waiting to feel better, maybe even waiting for our ex to change their mind and make the pain go away. In this post I’m going to explore the importance of making a choice, taking action on it, but also balancing out the determination to move on with self compassion and patience.
The Power of Decision
Your decision to move on from a breakup is a pivotal moment, and one I think we need to consciously make for things to start to shift. Making this decision means acknowledging your worth, understanding that you deserve happiness, and taking control of your own narrative. For me, when my breakup happened in 2022 I knew I had to move on but I didn’t decide to move on until a few months in. I was so sick of feeling helpless and believing every day that I just wasn’t destined for happiness.
Balancing your Decision with Self-Compassion
Before we go in to the decision and taking action on it, I want to highlight the importance of self compassion as the foundation of your decision. Just because you decide to take control, and take action to get over your ex, doesn’t mean the self kindness goes out of the window. You’re human, you can be (and need to be!) determined and compassionate at the same time. It means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a best friend, it means not giving yourself a hard time when you feel stuck, or when you’re having a bad day.
I designed ‘Those Moments’ to help you with this. Its my view bundle of guided sessions, all around emotional regulation and self compassion!
Here's 4 ways to have self-compassion during this challenging time:
1. Remember that you’re human
Recognise that healing from a breakup is a vulnerable and emotional journey. It's okay to feel sadness, grief, and uncertainty. You are human, and it's natural to experience these emotions. Heartbreak is terrifying, the ending of a relationship is huge, and nobody gives us a rulebook or educates us in school about breakup recovery.
2. Be Gentle with Yourself
Speak to yourself with kindness and encouragement. If you catch yourself being self critical when moving on feels hard, or you’re stuck on the sofa all weekend crying, replace those harsh words with soothing ones. The same words you'd provide to a friend in need. Remember that it's okay to be in this space; it’s a normal, healthy reaction to heartbreak. Approach yourself with grace and patience.
3. Become Self-Aware
A breakup is a really good opportunity to become more self aware. Self-awareness helps you understand your needs, desires, and the areas in your life that require change. It is not about judging yourself, it is about getting to know yourself and honouring what you need through action; making good choices for yourself that support your happiness and wellbeing. I highly recommend journaling for self awareness. I have 25 journal prompts here.
4. Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes
In a breakup, we can fixate on where we went wrong, and the ‘should haves’, resulting in a lot of self hate, guilt and regret. The thing is, you were doing the best you knew at the time, and if on reflection you’re not happy about certain things, you now have an opportunity to become aware of things you’d do different next time, and taking action on these things. Let go of self-criticism and the pursuit of perfection. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and faces challenges. Your worth is not determined by the past.
A breakup is an opportunity to learn and grow, and yes, that does require some of your effort and attention, but trust me, it will be so worth it. You are worth it.
I have a session on calming yourself through self blame in Those Moments
Access Determination
While self-compassion forms the foundation, there is a place for fiery determination in moving on. This inner fire propels you to take action and shape the life you want post-breakup. For me, it came when I just got sick of seeing myself sad in the mirror, hearing my own self defeating thoughts, and realising I’d actually been quite unhappy for around 10 years, so I needed to really turn things around. And one day I literally said to myself ‘this is it, I’ve got to do things different’ and I felt that decision inside of me. I made it consciously.
1. Self Belief
When you make this decision that you get to be happy, and you’re going to move from your ex, notice if you even believe you can. If you don’t yet believe it, commit to it anyway (this is what I did), and work at self belief along the way. Use techniques like journaling every day to pin point where you’re lacking in self belief, and then use a tool like EFT tapping to help you work through those doubts and limiting beliefs.
2. Creating Happiness
Happiness isn’t something we find, which can often be a mistake we make when we look for a relationship; we hope that they will make us happy, and the relationship will fulfil an emptiness we feel inside (I’ve been here!). But happiness (as cliche as it sounds) is something you work on to create. Decide that you deserve to be happy, and this decision will be the driving force behind your actions.
3. Take Purposeful Action
Moving on is not just a mental exercise; it's a commitment to take concrete steps toward the life you desire. Start with small, achievable goals, and gradually build momentum. So for instance, your goal for the week of deciding, could just be to get dressed every day, make the bed, and go for a small walk and take in the beauty around you, rather than wallow in bed.
4. Prioritise Self-Care
Self Care can be mistaken for bubble baths, candles and face masks. It is absolutely those things as well - they are important. But consider your stability, your security, your happiness at work, your routines. It is hard to work through a breakup when you are struggling in your job and your routine is off track. Focus on those first, get a solid foundation, and then on top, show up for yourself daily, making healthy choices that support your body, such as movement, nutrition, seeking support, finding strategies to self soothe through uncomfortable emotions. It’s about being loving to yourself through your actions.
5. Build Resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficult times. Your decision to move on from this breakup, recover in a healthy way, and learn from the experience is a way to build your resilience. We build resilience through the actions we take through our experiences and what we learn along the way. A breakup is a perfect opportunity to recognise the strength you already have, and build on it by making this decision for yourself and taking actions that enforce that.
6. It’s Healthy To Ask For Help
Don't hesitate to seek support from loved ones, friends, or professionals. Their presence can offer guidance, encouragement, and a sense of community as you navigate the post-breakup journey. We can shy away in times of emotional pain, as we might feel that we are a burden or that nobody understands, but in my experience, calling on friends and family has made all the difference. You are loved, and people care for your wellbeing.
The Empowering Choice
Life is a series of choices, and the choice to move on after a breakup is a powerful one. It feels liberating and empowering (it did for me, even when I was so rock bottom at the point of deciding). It's a declaration that you have the power to shape your future, to heal, and to create a life that aligns with your desires and values.
Choose Freedom: You don’t deserve to, or have to stay stuck in the emotional weight of the past. Granted, you might need help to free yourself (therapy, counselling, coaching etc) as you work through this, and that’s OK! I had a lot of therapy amongst other things, to free myself.
Choose Growth: You might not have wanted this breakup, and feel like your future is out of your control, but it is not. You can’t control what somebody else chooses, but you can choose to use this as an opportunity to grow and learn so much about yourself.
Choose Happiness: Deciding that you are going to get happy after this breakup, doesn’t mean the next day you just wake up happy. For me to even imply that that would be possible in that way would be insulting! It does take work, but you deserve it. No matter how long and what it takes, you can choose happiness and then work at doing what is needed to get you there.
Choose Love: Love yourself fiercely and unconditionally. Again, it might be a change in approach to what you’re used to, but follow my tips above. Join ‘Those Moments’ to help you learn self love. Remember that self-love is the cornerstone of a successful post-breakup journey.
Choose to Thrive: This is not just about surviving; it's about thriving. Choose a life that is not merely about getting by but about feeling alive. For me, this meant focusing on my security and stability; I moved, I changed things job wise, I had to make some hard decisions to support me in this hard time but to make me feel safe (which is such a privilege to have those options). I changed my routine, I committed to movement and nutrition. I then built on that in the things I said above.
Conclusion
Moving on after a breakup is a transformative journey that requires a balance between self-compassion, patience and fiery determination. Remember throughout the breakup recovery journey, that you are human; be kind to yourself, acknowledge your emotions and soothe yourself through them.
Simultaneously, ignite your inner fire and take purposeful action. You deserve happiness, and you have the power to make it a reality, even if it takes work and time. You’ve got what it takes.
