Talking your ex up and putting yourself down? How to get your ex off a pedestal after the breakup
If you’re struggling with post breakup ‘ex is a dreamboat and how did I ever get so lucky and lose out’ syndrome, this ones for you. You’re navigating the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup whilst simultaneously telling yourself how p**sed off you are at yourself for losing the best person on the planet and whoever they end up with will be so lucky, and you’ll be unlucky forever. It’s really not an ideal fantasy to be living in. There might be amazing things about your ex, but what about the reality of the situation, and most importantly how unreal you are. In this post I’m going to guide you through this frustrating head space and how to get your ex off the pedestal.
Having your ex is on a pedestal, isn’t an ideal place to be when you are trying to move on and build yourself back up after a breakup. The arguments you had or the reasons you broke up feel totally irrelevant right now, because your rose tinted glasses are well and truly glued on; your ex feels superior to you; you’re most likely in awe of them and talking yourself way down. The good news is, there are things you can do to help you.
What does it mean when your ex is on a pedestal?
Having your ex on a pedestal means that you are seeing your ex as this perfect ‘can do no wrong’ person, whilst are likely not being very nice to yourself at the same time. You’re likely convincing yourself that you will forever regret not being with them, and finding it hard to imagine yourself being happy without them. But despite being unable to see yourself having a bright future, you’re having no issues being able to imagine their onward relationship happiness without you, because they’re so great. It’s helpless, it’s hopeless and it doesn’t make for productive moving on from a breakup.
It means that you’re forgetting that all the happy memories you made together, were in fact created by the both of you together. You also contributed to the experiences that you had with your ex. It also means that reality isn’t really at the forefront of your mind; the reasons you split, the reasons you don’t work as a couple, the conflict you couldn’t seem to resolve, any hurtful ways they treated you, or how miserable you fundamentally were with them.
Why does having your ex on a pedestal happen? 4 possible reasons.
This strange phenomenon is something that I’ve wondered. Especially as i know so many people it happens to (including myself) who knew full well that their ex wasn’t right for them but once the split happened, the delusion sets in - make it make sense!? So I had a scour of the internet, and found that putting an ex on a pedestal might occur for different reasons. Here’s a few:
It might be a coping mechanism. The breakup hurts too much. So instead it feels easier to remember all the good times and good traits of your ex.
It’s too hard to face your emotions and what you’re going through, so it feels easier to avoid doing it, but focus on your ex instead.
Your self worth has become low, so you tend to see your ex as out of your league and wonder how you ever got them in the first place.
Self blame/hate might be a default mode you go in to - this was me - and I I don’t mind saying it took therapy to helpe me figure this out and work through it. There is no shame in asking for professional help.
This is not bout hating your ex
Before I carry on, when you think lovely things about your ex, I’m not by any means saying this is a bad thing. Recognising the traits you loved about your ex or in the relationship is a guiding light, as to what’s important to you. And I am not encouraging you to hate them, or discount your positive experiences together. This post is about when you’re talking them up, talking yourself down, and feeling helpless and distraught; when the fantasy of your ex is causing you pain, and a different approach is needed to help you.
If you know there are certain things you love about your ex and things you really enjoyed about the relationship - write them down. Write them all in a list, and then, re-write the list. Re-write it as your relationship values, with no attachment to your ex. So for instance, if you wrote ‘I love how affectionate they were and how they held my hand in public’, write on the next list ‘I value affection, and when the person I’m with is proud to be with me in public’.
This list is helpful because it helps you to realise that those things you loved about your ex, are things you just love and value in a relationship. And I’m here to remind you that those traits don’t just belong in one person. There are millions of people in this world who will hold your hand and love affection as much as you do. Use your exes positive traits as your compass in future dating.
Certain thoughts you might recognise if your ex is on a pedestal
Do you recognise these types of thoughts? If you do, you might have your ex on a pedestal. It’s not about self judgement, its just about awareness so you can do something about it!
“They can do no wrong”
“They’re just amazing and I’m really not”
“They’re going to be so happy”
“Everyone will want to be with them”
“Everything is my fault”
“How will I ever live or be happy without them?”
Working on your self worth, and recognising how beautiful you are.
I say this with so much love and I relate because I have been here; but you need to get out of the delusion of how perfect your ex is, and start seriously bigging yourself up instead. Really dig deep and work on your self worth. Yes there might be lovely things about your ex, I’m not denying it, but what about you? How is forgetting all the lovely things about you going to help you move on? It’s not.
When you have the rose tinted glasses on, and your ex is on a pedestal, you can feel powerless, unworthy, and it can keep you stuck in a self defeating, sabotaging mindset. It is the opposite of the vibrant, confident and empowered version of you that you deserve to be. What about everything you brought to the relationship? What about everything you have to offer? You don’t have to see it right now, but I’m here to tell you that you need to start talking yourself up. You need to give yourself just as much - no - in fact - MORE attention than you do your ex.
As mentioned I’ve been here, my ex was high up n the biggest shiniest pedestal last year for weeks, maybe months. But when I managed to get him off, I started to, and now question how I stayed in the relationship for so long. It’s wild to me that I had him on such a huge pedestal. It’s a far better place to be in the reality of the situation. When you’re in the fantasy you will be unable to see that your life actually gets to be so much better now.
You need to start seeing yourself as amazing and picking out all the unreal things about you, and seeing your future as unbelievable as you do theirs. So get a notepad and pen out, and force yourself to recognise all of the things you brought and bring to a relationship.
Learning lessons from your relationship, helps you get in to the reality.
It's essential to reflect on the relationship realistically, acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects, from both of your sides. Rather than having your ex on a pedestal, aim to just be in a black and white thinking space. You’ll need to calm your emotions momentarily (go to Those Moments - my video library to help with this), bring yourself in to a settled space, and then get real with yourself about how the situation was.
So again, notepad and pen, and write your likes and dislikes about them, about you, and about the general situation. The reality of what you’ll love to create again, and what you’ll never accept again, and what you can learn from. When you see your relationship with your ex and your breakup as an experience to guide you in your new chapter, you’ll feel more empowered and in control of your life onwards from here.
It takes courage and determination to look at it in this way, but in my opinion, it’s the only way. Start to see yourself and your ex as humans, both with perfect parts and flaws; who can make improvements, and grow along the way. Naturally, with this approach, your ex will come down off the pedestal and you’ll balance things out with more clarity.
When you start to think like this, with more perspective, you will start to realise the mistakes of your ex, and when they come down off the pedestal, you may even start to get angry and feel hurt again, and realise the areas you’re angry about and you believe they need to change. It’s all part of the process. But remember, the only part you can control is your side. This breakup is an opportunity for you to have better relationships in the future, by being accountable for your side and leaving them to it.
7 steps to get out of the fantasy of your ex and in to reality?
You can do these 7 steps all in one day or over 7 days. Take them as a little challenge to help you get your ex off a pedestal and start moving on. I would love to hear how you find them. DM me on instagram
Go no contact if you can. If you’re seeing them on social media, witnessing what you appear to being them thriving in their life, or being unbothered. It can really hurt and make the pedestal worse. Because if they appear happy (which we never know lets face it), and you’re sad - it can suddenly seem like well if they don’t miss you, you’re not the good,. Please do this if you can, even if you just do it for a month. Give yourself a chance.
Acknowledge how you’re feeling and that the pedestal is there - get connected to yourself. Healing from the breakup starts with being fully aware of how you’re feeling, and deciding what you need to do about it, and then doing what you think you need to do about it. So whether its journaling or walking in silence, have some quiet time. Acknowledge your pain, cry, talk it out with a friend or family member; voice your fears. Likely the people who know and lobe you will give you some helpful perspective.
Notepad and pen out; write all the things you love about them (you’re going to come back to this list later). And rewrite this list as your relationship values. ‘I love that they bought me flowers’ turns in to ‘I really value being bought flowers’.
Next, write all the things that were unhelpful, unhealthy and not right in the relationship. From them, from you, between you both. Be honest. You have split up for a reason - all the ways you fought, the conflict you couldn’t resolve. That thing you argued about that never seemed to go away. Write about it to help bring you back down to earth and out of the fantasy.
When you have the rose tinted glasses on and all you can see is the sun shining out of their behind. You tend to talk yourself down. You lost out, they’re amazing, you’re shit. Nope. not true. Reflect and write about all the things you brought to the relationship. You need to start realising that you have so much to offer, and talking yourself and all of your qualities up. And if there’s things you don’t like - you have an opportunity now to work on it!
Go and have some fun. I’m all for hermiting and reflecting, but balance it with fun. Even if it’s just in your house on your own, like having your music on, a take away ordered, candle lit bath and a funny film. A date activity/day/night, just for you. And if you can get out with a friend and walk and do something spontaneous even better. Go and walk to a waterfall and then get coffee. Go for a run together. Drink wine in a new bar. Whatever. The amount go brain space and energy you’ve been giving your ex, is going to need you to distract yourself and realise that you are fun and your life does go on without them.
Check in with yourself and set a mini goal. How were the previous 6 steps? Have you given it your all? Have you tried the things? Did you have fun? Have thoughts crept back in? Whats going on for you? Make a brew, have half hour, check in. Do you need to have another reality check with a friend? Do you need more fun? Do this and then finally - set a goal to either repeat this again (or the things that helped) OR - set a new goal for next week - such as I will go for more walks, I will have more fun, I’m going to keep journaling.
In conclusion
It’s not abnormal to have your ex on a pedestal or be consumed with thoughts about the breakup, you’re not alone, and there are ways to start getting your ex off a pedestal. The main thing I want you to take away, is that the sooner you can redirect your focus on to what YOU have in front of you, the better. Whether that’s what your daily routine looks like, or what you want to do with your life now, or how do you process all these uncomfortable emotions, the better.
Because whether you’re focusing on how out of your league your ex is, or hating on them - either way, you’re precious energy and attention isn’t in the right place. It needs to be on you. To start healing from the breakup, it is about focusing on you and dealing with your side of things. Emotions, limiting beliefs, practical things in your day etc.
Most of all - take time to build up your self worth, and more time visualising your amazing future rather than your exes, because you get to have it. you’re amazing and no amount of thinking about your ex (unless you’re reflecting and learning from it in a realistic way), is going to help you to rebuild.
