5 STEPS TO GIVE YOURSELF CLOSURE, WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE IT FROM YOUR EX
In this post, I’m sharing my thoughts on how you can start to let go of your ex after a breakup, when we don’t feel like you got closure. When you are feeling heartbroken after the relationship ended, accepting that’s it’s over can be really difficult and upsetting when you have unanswered questions. If you’re battling with this, follow the 5 practice steps I share to help you move on from your ex regardless.
What is closure after a breakup?
The top answer on Google on the day of me asking, is “the feeling of acceptance when the relationship ends”. To add to this, I think closure after a breakup runs deeper, it’s the understanding of why it ended, the acceptance of why it ended, as well as accepting that it is over. And with having closure, you feel like you are ready to move on and can start doing so.
I think the mistake that we make is that (especially when we’re been broken up with), we are finding it so hard to accept and understand, that we want closure at the beginning to help us get to acceptance, but actually, acceptance comes much later. We can get fixated on the idea that our ex will give us closure to get to acceptance. When really, closure in that circumstance is what we come to ourselves.
Please remember - every breakup is unique and complex. There are no hard fast rules; be patient and gentle with yourself as you process things! Download my FREE BREAKUP SELF CARE GUIDE to help you!
What happens if you never got or get closure from your ex?
If you never got closure from your ex, and would really like it to start moving on, a mindet shift is needed to take control of the situation, and begin letting go anyway; to give yourself that closure. When you’ve been rejected by your ex, and the relationship ending wasn’t your choice, it can feel like they have the answer to the pain you’re experiencing. That a golden conversation is going to help you get to where you want to be - ok with the situation.
We can (and I’ve been here) get fixated on this moment that they give to us, that it can hold us back from the actions we need to take to stand in our own power and give the closure to ourself. It’s time to stop letting your ex (or rather the ideas you have about your ex) dictate whether you move on. Have you read my previous blog about getting your ex off the pedestal?
5 tips for getting your own closure
With all of this in mind, I’m sharing five steps you can take (and that I took myself), to achieve closure yourself after your breakup.
When you can’t accept the breakup, accept how you feel about it
Give yourself the closure, rather than waiting for it from your ex
Be aware that you might have to move on without an apology
Take small actions daily, little by little, day by day
Build trust in yourself by keeping the promises you make to yourself
1. When you can’t accept the breakup, accept how you feel about it
Moving in to acceptance of a breakup, real closure takes time, and so this step is simple. When you can’t accept the breakup yet, work on accepting everything you’re feeling. You don’t have to be ok with feeling sad, its not about wanting to stay sad, it’s about being compassionate towards yourself through all the emotions you’re feeling, starting to build a healthy relationship with yourself
2. Give yourself the closure, rather than waiting for it from your ex
This is a hard one, but be honest with yourself - are you finding yourself obsessed with wanting closure from your ex? Are you begging them to speak to you one last time? Are you hoping they’ll send you a long text message explaining everything and apologising deeply? The likelihood is is that its not going to happen. I know its so hard, and it sounds harsh but I’m saying this with so much love. Your’re the only one who can be there for you and give yourself what you need
3. be aware that you might have to move on without an apology
You might never get that apology. When you’re trapped in the longing for the apology, its time to stand in your power and decide that you’re not going to let anyones actions or lack of actions, define you, your worth, or let you stay stuck waiting for them. Decide today that even without an apology, you still get to be happy.
4. Take small actions daily, little by little, day by day
A breakup can feel like a huge impossible mountain to climb, and the truth is it can be. It takes time, determination, patience. But rather than think you have to be at the top of the mountain and over th eohter side by the morning, just focus on one thing you can do each day, or each week to take the steps to get you there. Show up for yourself. Ask yourself what you need snd then listen and start building the courage to listen. Whether its removing your ex off social media, or returning their clothes, or moving your body as a way to help you cope - start taking actions, it’ll be worth it.
5. Build trust in yourself by keeping the promises you make to yourself
I’ve realised since my breakup in 2022 that the way you build confidence and self trust is by showing yourself that you can rely on you, being your own rock. When you say to yourself I’ll do that for me tomorrow - do it. Actually stick to the things you say you want to do. Even if it’s ok tomorrow I’m clearing ny wardrobe and getting some things on vinted. Do it. Make time and take the action. It doesn’t have to b breakup related. But you can do it. You will start to feel confident because you’re showing you that you have got you and so you have got this, You are safe with yourself. Its about creating safety for yourself
In conclusion about closure
You don’t always get closure in the way we expect, or perceive we ought to have it. But this doesn’t mean you can’t start to let go. Give yourself permission to start moving on, and give yourself the closure. Decide that you don’t need your ex to do anything, because you get to be happy and let go of them anyway. It is very empowering to stand in your power and begin to take action for yourself, and start to move on after your breakup, irrelevant of your ex.
