Worried about your ex giving someone else everything? A perspective that might help you let go

Before we get in to this post about when you’re worried that your ex will give everything you wanted to somebody else after your breakup, I just want to reassure you that its such a common worry and you are not alone - I speak to people about this a lot! It’s SO painful to think about your ex with somebody else when your heart is breaking, especially if you don’t feel your needs were met this is why I am such an advocate for making their life irrelevant to yours and making it so you have no idea what they’re up to if you can.

If you don’t feel you had your needs met by your ex you can be trying to get over them whilst also having this fixation on the fact that they might now go and give everything you wanted to someone else. Its not nice to think about. It could be things like meeting their family and friends, quality time together, clear communication, affection etc.

I think a huge learning above everything is to be really in tune about your needs in future relationships (if that’s what you choose) from day one; to use the experience you had with your ex to promise yourself you will trust yourself to voice them, and to be aware of whether they are being met early on so you can make your own choices about whether the situation is right for you.

Because you FULLY deserve to be in a relationship where you feel seen, heard, understood, respected and cared about. And so you can enjoy it and have fun otherwise whats the point!

When you don’t feel like you had your needs met in the relationship

Every breakup situation is unique, and this absolutely won’t apply to every single individual situation, but this is based on that when we are trying to change who we are, it does take work. So for example when your ex didn’t like to introduce you to their friends or enjoy date nights, but now you think they’ll morph overnight in to doing this for someone new. Think about how many times you’ve tried to go to start a fitness plan for example and then started again and again etc. It’s not impossible but it does take desire and effort.

In a relationship, both people are trying to have their own needs and expectations met, and when two people have different ideas of what that means, there can be a clash. It doesn’t mean it is anyone’s fault but it can be painful when one of you is hoping or expecting the other to change and adapt to your needs.

If you feel totally stuck and fixated on your ex, you can book me for a 1:1 breakup coaching session and I can help you to work through this.

This post does not apply to unhealthy, harmful/abusive situations - in terms of that they require their own specialist attention to process and navigate.

An analogy to help you look at the relationship in a different way post breakup

I’m using an example of a boss and an employee but I of course know that this isn’t a direct correlation to a relationship partnership which obviously wouldn’t be a boss and employee, as it would be an equal partnership. It just helps me to give the analogy so I’m going with it and hope it makes sense!

Ok so imagine you work at a job, and you were excited at first (potentially knew it wasn’t perfect but you could deal with that and wanted to persevere) but after some time you start asking for flexibility in your working pattern or a pay rise or more responsibility, and your boss keeps saying no. You really feel like with a few changes you’d be so much happier and more productive and it would also help your boss and their company. You ask again but your boss doesn’t want to know and is happy the way things are. It works for them in this way its always been.

You were ok at first but now you feel like you can’t progress, and it’s frustrating because things feel stagnant and you don’t feel valued or seen by your boss. And to add to the situation, they’re annoyed at you for asking; they resent you for wanting them to change the way they do things at their company, and seem tense and unhappy. You feel undervalued and frustrated. Work feels quite tense because you can’t come to an agreement, and nobody is winning.

So either then you decide to leave because you don’t feel valued, and you’re not happy, or your boss decides to push you out or let you go because you keep asking and it’s getting on their nerves and they’re not happy either.

After you have left, your boss takes someone else on, who is so happy with the arrangement, doesn’t want a pay rise, likes the shifts and doesn’t really ask for anything else. Like you did at the beginning. They’re in a space where the thing that you ended up finding frustrating and mediocre, and clashing with your boss on, it works for them at the moment.

Wanting your needs met in a relationship isn’t unreasonable

This isn’t to say that what you were asking for was unreasonable, it wasn’t. You have certain needs and desires and career goals and just in that work environment, you weren’t able to thrive. And your boss wasn’t willing to budge or compromise. You shouldn’t have had to stifle your desires for more in the role, but equally, your boss is entitled to not want to change anything about the initial agreement either, and nothing you could have said would have made them change their mind.

Anyway, this new person goes about their day and it works for them; maybe in the future they will start to realise there is no progression or chance of higher pay, and outgrow the job in the way you did, but at the moment they don’t care, they’re happy at the moment. And your old boss, of course they’re so happy, it’s less effort, less conversation, it works for them better. Your boss feels at ease with this new situation because the new employee doesn’t ask for anything else and is ok as is.

And even though it’s a big life change for you; you’re inconvenienced and the one doing the running around and applying for new opportunities, but when you do, it will all be worth it and your needs will be met because you’re now clearer on them due to the experience. This new member of staff isn’t better than you, and your old boss hasn’t changed anything. But yes, your boss is happier because they have a situation that works for them, and the new member of staff is happy in their new role, just going along with it. From the outside looking in - your boss and their new employee are happy in their situation.

Your ex might be happier, but you get to be too (and is it even what you think?)

Ok so liken this to your relationship (removing the boss employee hierarchy) and just think of the principle and message. If you think your ex is happier, or you have perceived evidence of them being happy through what you see on social media (I mean I would never trust that and encourage you not to go there, but that’s another thing), then think of it in these terms.

Zone out. If you ex wasn’t meeting your needs, the needs that were’t unreasonable and that make you you, and you are worthy of having met, then why do you now by default think that they will give everything to someone else? Is it really what it seems, or will it even be the way you think it will be? If you know your ex was categorically not an affectionate person and you liked affection - do you now think overnight they’re going to be that way with someone new?

Looking at it from their perspective, you asking for more, or to have your needs met, wasn’t meeting their needs either. So if they can find someone who doesn’t even ask for the same needs as you, then yes it feels like an upgrade and they will seem happier - their needs will now be met. But it would never have been fair to either of you for then to have to change, or you to have to pretend you had no other needs. It wasn’t aligned. You simply had different needs and the happiness you perceive or worry about them having isn’t necessarily what you think it is.

It’s the opposite. The likelihood is, they will be happy as the new person won’t have those same needs. but you weren’t happy there, you desired more, you asked for more. It was an incompatibility. You both get to be happy without it meaning nothing about the other. All of us deserve to have our needs met and be with someone who aligns with our values. Sometimes it’s a better match, but not because they’re ‘giving someone everything’, they’re just with someone that is ok with their version of everything.

BUT - now you get to meet someone in the future who wants exactly what you want, is on the same page as you and who’s values align with and work well with yours. You get to go in to a job (using the job example) where you have flexible hours, your boss loves giving you new opportunities and wants to see you do really well. You get to be happier.

Did you know I have weekly sessions you can join - to rapidly speed up moving on from your ex and getting unstuck

Every breakup, person, situation is different. And by no means (it would be impossible) am I saying that this is an exact science or theory. I just hear so much about this fear that the ex will be happier, and I wanted to share this random analogy on it to help reassure you and help you think about it differently.

I have to be real of course that sometimes unfortunately, in a relationship, people can stick around knowing they don’t really want to be there, and they can refrain from meeting your needs or meeting you half way simply because they don’t want to, even when they know how. And then they can meet someone else and it seems to come easier. It is a harsh truth but it does happen.

This is why I go back to my original point of - regardless of the reasons, you could analyse your ex for months and years, and maybe never know and as I always share on social media - the most important thing is to not make your ex your focus. Get fixated on you and don’t give them relevance to your onward journey.

The most important thing is that either way (for whatever reason) it is an incompatibility, otherwise it would have worked, and you deserve to be with someone compatible.

Does this make sense? Does it help? Please let me know your thoughts in the comments!