WHEN YOUR EX MOVES ON WITH SOMEONE NEW
Discovering that your ex is with someone else can be seriously consuming. Thoughts of ‘I mustn’t have been good enough’ and ‘why couldn’t he give that to me’, can take over. It's like a downward spiral of emotions that feels really hard to pull yourself out of. Your ex moving on so quickly after the breakup feels like indescribable pain and can leave you questioning whether you meant anything, your worth, and wondering what this new person has that you don’t. If you recognise this feeling or are going through it, read on as my aim of writing this blog post is to validate what might be happening for you right now, but most importantly, to help you get some perspective and become unstuck.
The painful feelings of loss and grief
Dealing with a breakup is hard enough in itself; you’re trying to accept the loss of the relationship and the loss of the future you thought you had with this person. But when you discover that your ex is now creating a new life with someone new, things become very real, very certain and it can leave you feeling really helpless.
When you’re going through the ending of a relationship and trying to move through the stages of the grieving process. Discovering that your ex is with somebody new, can literally amplify those uncomfortable emotions that you are already experiencing; it’s a feeling of being knocked when you are already down.
I want you to know that you are not alone and everything you are feeling is normal, common, and actually really healthy. To process a breakup, it is essential to move through a range of emotions. You feeling this things is showing you that you cared, that the relationship meant something to you, and it is important not to be unkind to yourself if you are upset about the breakup, or in pain because your ex has moved on already.
My 3 top tips for painful feelings:
Whatever you’re feeling, journal it out. Whether its a basic notepad and pen, a document on your laptop, or a fancy pink fluffy journal with different coloured gel pens, make journaling your best friend. Literally, free flow ‘how do I feel right now?’ writing. No holding back, get all that frustration and sadness out about your ex. Journalling is a great way to process your emotions after a breakup.
Move your body. Feeling angry, sad, confused about your ex and their moving on with somebody new? Run, walk, go to the gym. Let it all out through exercise. You won’t regret it.
If you haven’t already, download my breakup self care checklist ‘Time to Love Myself’, you can do that here
As much as you want your ex to end it with their new person and come running back to make it all go away, you are going to need to take some action for yourself and stand in your power. I know it’s effort, and I know its hard when you’re feeling so low after your breakup. But give yourself a chance to try these things and notice the difference.
The comparison trap
Naturally, when somebody we loved (or still love) has decided to start a new relationship with somebody else, it can cause us to question our own sense of self worth. Perhaps the thoughts playing over in your mind are something like ‘I must just not be good enough or ‘maybe I was never good enough’ or ‘when is it my turn to get picked’.
This is a painful and slippery slope to find yourself in; maybe you’re now finding yourself lying in bed late in to the night on your ex’s new girlfriend on social media, trying to figure out what she has that you didn’t. From analysing how she looks in a bikini to looking in to her career history on LinkedIn, wondering what exactly it is she has that you don’t.
Comparing yourself to somebody else is too easy and tempting to do with social media to hand, but comparing yourself to your ex’s new girlfriend is in my opinion a torturous task to spend your time doing. Even worse, you might be wondering whether your ex is giving everything you wanted, to this new person they’re in a relationship with. But I am bringing it up as I want you to feel validated in your feelings and emotions, and know that you are not alone.
My top tips for the comparison trap:
Immediately stop stalking on social media. You must do this. The more energy you are giving to your ex’s new person, and their new relationship. The less you are putting that precious energy on to you, building yourself up, and remembering how unreal you are.
Set some goals for yourself that are going to help you feel better and build your self worth post breakup. For instance, rather than spend your nights comparing yourself to your ex’s new situation, what is going to help you feel so good that you don’t even care and your ex will become irrelevant. Whether its saving for a trip, or getting in to a new exercise routine. Do this for you. Naturally distract yourself from your ex.
You need to remember how amazing you are, despite your ex being with somebody new. How much YOU have to offer, despite there being other people out there that your ex is with. Their moving on, means absolutely NOTHING about you and how happy you get to be.
Why is he giving her everything?
This subject needs a whole blog post, and I will do that. But this is something that I hear a lot. Your ex was in the relationship with you, and you had needs (maybe basic needs), and there was tension about those needs and it ended. Now you’re ex has moved on with someone new and you’re left convincing yourself that he’s a changed person and is doing all the right things and meeting basic needs for his new person.
Put this in to perspective. If your ex couldn’t meet your basic needs and couldn’t (or didn't want to) give you XYZ, it is likely he will choose someone who doesn’t ask for XYZ. And were you really willing to lower your standards or needs to make it work? You should’t of had to.
Yes, people do change, but change is hard. And it is so important that you stop convincing yourself that your ex is totally reformed within 2 weeks, when the reality is probably very different.
If you had different values and desires to your ex, such as major life choices, and now he is with someone new. Again, it is likely that those desires are more matched. And this might sting, but your ex, and you most importantly, deserve to be with someone who has the same values as you. It is a good thing that if you wanted different things, that you aren’t together. You both get to be happier now!
My tips for worrying your ex is giving it all to someone else:
Be honest with yourself about the reality of your relationship. Rather than focusing on them having the best relationship, get clear on why you and your ex didn’t work, it will help you to get perspective. They are not important. The reality is that you and your ex happened they way you happened.
Realise that space is now clear for you to have your needs met and be happier than ever. Again, this means being clear on why you and your ex didn’t work out. It’s irrelevant how happy your ex is now, what matters is that you get to be with someone (if that’s what you choose) who is a better fit for you. Space has been cleared, and you get to be happier!
Heal your emotions and rediscover yourself
The pain of seeing your ex with someone new can bring up unresolved emotions and unanswered questions. It may remind you of issues from the past or trigger lingering feelings of anger, betrayal, or longing. It is SO important that you take the time to grieve, process your emotions as a way to heal them after your breakup. There is no timeline for moving on from a past relationship, it is a gradual process that is going to take your effort, patience and devotion. You need YOU right now!
As well as taking the time to process and heal from your breakup, a crucial part of this chapter of your newly single life, is to rediscover who you are. This is in my opinion, the most exciting part of a breakup. You get to do things that excite you, find new hobbies, friends, and create new adventures for yourself. Life gets to be exciting onwards from your breakup even if you can’t quite see that yet!
My tips for healing your emotions and rediscovering yourself:
Allow yourself to feel it all. Literally everything, don’t pretend you’re ok, or give yourself a hard time when you miss your ex or can’t stop thinking about his new relationship. It’s all normal, and feeling the feelings is an important part of moving on from a breakup.
Focus on building a fulfilling life for yourself, independent of your past relationship. Give yourself time to try new things set new goals, have more fun, and begin falling in love with this new chapter of your life.
Be patient with yourself above all. This is the most important thing in my opinion. Moving on from a breakup takes time, especially when you’re hurting about your ex moving on so quickly. But take your time, go easy on yourself and you’ll get there step by step.
In conclusion. Take your time to process everything that is coming up for you, but remember to get real about who your ex is or was in your relationship and the reasons you didn’t work out too. Journalling to move through all this emotion is going to be your new best friend. And when you have the energy, give it to you and rebuilding and rediscovering your life. I hope this helps, and if you haven’t already, be sure to read my post 10 STEPS TO HEAL FROM A BREAKUP
