What to do when your ex moved on quickly after the breakup
Why am I so hurt that my ex has moved on?
You might be wondering why you feel so hurt that your ex has moved on so quickly? The simple answer is that you’re human, you were hoping for a different outcome - not a breakup - and this can feel like another rejection.
Also the idea of them moving on could be causing you to make it mean that there is something flawed about you. Or that their new person is better than you in some way. It isn’t true, at all, but it’s where your mind goes and it can feel tormenting.
What hurts even more is that for some reason you want to know every element of why and how this could happen. You want to know their deepest thoughts and what led them to doing this, what made them forget about you so quickly and what makes this new person so special.
You want to know what this new person has that you don’t. What they look like, what their personality is like, how they dress, are they funnier than you, are they a better kisser, do the two of them laugh together more than you did?
It’s normal to want to make sense of it all, and to try and understand
It’s like you’re convinced that understanding all the things this new person has that you don’t will somehow make it all make sense.
Maybe you’re wondering how how loved up they are and whether they’re creating all these amazing new memories and already planning a wedding or living together. Even worse your imagination is telling you that they’re laughing at your expense, when you’re crying in bed sad.
Why do they get to live their life and be happy when you feel like you have no life at the moment, apart from being in constant rumination about the breakup and being consumed by the thought of your exes new chapter. Comparison is the their of happiness as we hear all the time, but you can’t seem to stop. The struggle is real.
It can get to a point where you become fixated with wanting to know the ins and outs so that you can somehow feel better through understanding it.
But the more you look and the more you find out, the worse you feel. Even just knowing they’ve moved on makes you feel so terrible, so of course seeing evidence on social media of them smiling together is going to make you feel even more terrible.
You hate finding things out but you’re desperate to know at the same time. Both hurt you but it feels like the only solution to you getting some relief. It’s painful.
When you can’t stop thinking about your ex with someone new
Why is it then that we want to know so much about why our ex has moved on so quickly with someone new, when we also know how bad it makes us feel?
We’ve all had friends say to us ‘don’t worry they’re not even good looking’ in an attempt to make us feel better and maybe momentarily it gives you a little ego boost. So maybe there’s that, if you can find a flaw in this new person it won’t be so bad.
It brings a split second of relief, but the reality is, you’re not with your ex, they are, and then you remember how bad you feel.
Maybe you try and find out so you can be aware if they split, or if your ex was struggling and alone, you’d somehow feel better about yourself (again for those seconds). Again it’s not the real solution to your happiness though.
It literally in reality brings the spiral of convincing yourself you are flawed, or not good enough, or if only you could have done something different, or looked better, or hadn’t of said that thing you said, or argued about that stupid petty detail you got bothered about.
The truth is, you can’t change what you did then, or the outcome of what is happening now, this is just what’s happening.
You can learn from it yes, but there is literally no benefit of shaming and blaming yourself and spiralling in to comparison of who this new person is and what makes them so amazing. In the successful breakup guide, I take you through a whole chapter about making use of the past vs blaming and shaming yourself.
The truth is, you never really know what’s going on for someone
First things first, do yourself a favour and get perspective. Everyday life is not like a film. Your ex and their new person are not in a film. Nobody lives in this dream world we have in our head, not even us.
If your ex was never romantic with you, or was at first and then it fizzled, the likelihood is is that this will be the same there too. You know your ex and who they are fundamentally. And now you’re seeing them totally different because someone else made them that way. Change is possible granted, but doesn’t just happen overnight.
How do you even know your ex isn’t thinking about you. How do you know they’re not in deep pain but just ignoring it and distracting themselves by quickly being with someone else. How do you know that what you see on social media is the full picture?!
You have smiled many times on social media and made things look good when the reality was quite different off camera - we all have. So bare that in mind when seeing things on social media.
How do you know they have forgotten about you? How do you really know anything? The truth is you don’t know all the detail, it’s impossible.
When you were blindsided by your ex
If you were blindsided by your ex and had no idea they were already zoning out whilst still with you because they never told you they were unhappy (which also can sometimes explain the quick moving on) - it just proves you never really know what you think you know about them.
And to be with someone who can so easily hide these big significant feelings from you, or who you aren’t picking up these things with; is that a person you want to be with, or was the relationship right for you anyway?
I can say this now as I am no longer in the depths of a breakup and I have zero interest in anything about my ex but I promise you I understand because I was there. I didn’t know my ex had moved on, I just suspected it because nothing made sense so it’s where my mind went.
It felt like it ended so suddenly but the reality is, we were having problems for a while and despite me hoping to figure it out, it was inevitable.
If you know deep down it wasn’t right, ask yourself whether it matters who they’re with
We just weren’t compatible but I was fixated on him being with someone else instead of giving myself a breather to process it all. It didn’t really matter whether he was with someone new, because we just weren’t right.
The things i’m encouraging you to think about, are the things that helped me to very quickly fo from being fixated and panicked about what my ex was doing, to not giving a sh*t, and enjoying living my life instead.
Think about this too, if your ex can move on so quickly from you (or appear to), for whatever reason, they’re not your person and - even if you don’t feel it yet which if you’re reading this it is likely you don’t - now you’re closer to your true love.
Your true love will be the one that lasts, the one where you are able to figure it out together, the one that doesn’t give up, the one that doesn’t want to let you go. You might think your ex is your person, but you wouldn’t be in this situation with your person.
What to do if your ex moves on quickly?
First and foremost, it is essential that you lift yourself up and start reminding yourself of how amazing you are, everything you have to offer and your value as a person and partner. You get to experience magic from here, no matter what your exes situation is. It might take some time to feel different, but be dedicated to it because it’s important and you are important.
When your ex has moved on quick, and you think there’s something wrong with you, its so important to build up your self worth and confidence through doing things that bring you pleasure, happiness and fulfilment. Through doing this, you’ll start to be so much more at peace regardless of your exes situation.
Remind yourself often that you are a precious soul who deserves so much love, and someone else’s relationship, or perceived happiness doesn’t mean anything at all about you. It is totally separate.
I take you through a whole section on building confidence and self esteem in the successful breakup guide.
You get to experience magic from here, no matter what their situation is
Take this as an opportunity to learn everything you can from the experience you had with your ex, be really honest with yourself about the quality of the relationship you had, how compatible you were, how healthy your communication was.
And take all this wisdom forward as it is showing you what you do and don’t want, what you do and don’t like, what works for you and what doesn’t.
Lean on people who care about you if you’re finding it hard to navigate yourself; it might take some coaching or therapy or guidance and that’s OK too.
Your focus is better spent on figuring out what you need, and being proactive about it VS what your ex is doing.
Rather than trying to dissect and analyse your exes every move, and the way their new relationship came about or why it could happen so quickly, decide that trying to figure out why they do the things they do, isn’t worth your energy or your emotional wellbeing.
You’re likely reading this because you’ve tried to understand them enough already; you’ve focused on your ex enough already. It’s time to focus on you. So ask yourself:
How is this helping me?
How is what they’re doing, important to me feeling better?
How can I build my self worth and confidence instead?
Are there different things I can focus on that help me to feel good?
What are the things that make me happy?
What can i do for myself today that takes my mind off my ex?
When you can’t stop thinking about your ex?
Sometimes, the obsession with what our ex is doing and who they’re with and how happy they might or might not be, can be a distraction from facing the reality of the situation.
When you’re daunted by the idea of rebuilding your life without them, or have no idea how to enjoy being single, or what you even want, or how things are going to look, or will you ever meet anyone again - that’s a lot to contend with.
It’s uncomfortable and naturally us humans don’t want to feel uncomfortable so we avoid it instead. This could quite simply be you avoiding facing the reality of the situation. It‘s normal so don’t judge yourself for it.
Go easy on yourself and be patient with yourself. Find self soothing techniques, find ways to cope and handle the intense waves of emotion. Because it might feel hard to do but there are so many proven ways to help you get your mind and emotions in to a space of calm and clearer thinking.
Book in a one to one with me I can help with this. Do what you need to do to let yourself feel what the reality feels like, whilst being kind and loving to yourself, because feeling it is going to help you process it.
Something I like to do is see it like the emotions of the situation need to come to the surface and move through you. I read a book once that said (don’t quote me not exact) when you cry tears, view them as making the stream that takes you to a better place. I love this. I’ve never forgotten it.
Let yourself cry and feel what you feel, it’s part of the process that helps you to move on
Something that helps me HUGELY is journaling when I’m feeling some intense emotion so I can figure out what it is telling me, or what I need.
For example… The sadness shows you how capable you are of loving, the anger shows you where your boundaries were crossed, the pain shows you how much you want the long lasting love etc. The emotions show you something and as you feel them, you start to feel better.
It takes courage to make a decision that you are going to stand in your power and not let your exes situation have a hold over you. Because you have a life to live, you have you to look after, you have a new chapter to create.
And you aren’t going to get there by putting them and theirs first. As much as you don’t want to let the idea of them go, or resign to not knowing why they are with someone new already; putting your attention on you is what is going to help.
Taking little actions for you day by day, is what is going to help you get over them sooner and find your own happiness. Every day, being proactive by moving your body, staying hydrated and eating good healthy meals, thinking about your needs, your wants, your desires, the things you enjoy - these are the things to focus on instead.
I teach you how to figure out your needs in the Successful Breakup guide.
I hope this helps you! Let me know 💖
